Report
by usul87
Summary: S3, before Lauren is discovered as the mole. This is just Syd thinking bout her life without Vaughn. Lotsa angst


Title: Report  
  
Summary: Set in season three, before Lauren is discovered as the mole. This is just Syd thinking bout her life without Vaughn. Lotsa angst  
  
Author: usul87  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or its characters. That is all the work of the master genious JJ.  
  
Authors note: This is my first ever fanfic, so don't be too harsh. It's not the best piece of English I've ever written but I was really in the mood for writing and didn't really want to revise for my Higher English exam. Be brutal though. I want lotsa advice. Though I've read fanfic since I was like eleven, and must have read well into the thousands of stories bout Stargate and Alias, as I've said, have never written anything. I really hope that you enjoy it. Thanks to all you guys for inspiring me to get outta my box and have a go.  
  
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Hours spent, sat here in what had to be one of the most uncomfortable seats she had ever had the pleasure to grace her precense with, trying in vain to focus her mind on the report she had been been ordered (well shouted at) to complete. She had never been prone to giving in and had always taken comfort in the fact that she could compartmentalise her emotions and complete her mission no matter what was going on in her twisted head. Two years had changed that though. She sat there now, trying to concentrate and recall the details of that particular enemy and the events of that "unique"mission, but failing miserably in that peticular task. There was only thing she seemed to be able to focus on at that moment and every other moment for the last four hours, the one subject her mind forever brought her back to since her miraculous return from the land of the dead- and even before that-and tormented her with... Him.  
  
Somehow- she wasn't exactly sure how- she had ended up sitting in a desk exactly opposite his. Typical. Fate had always had a sick sense of humour when concerning her really, what could she expect, after all this was her life. He had been sat there for the whole time she had been, and since she wasn't allowed to move till she had finished the report, she was forced to watch his typical day without her- now that she wasn't in his life anymore. Damn Dixon and his bloody report, damn her for being such an idiot to fall in love all consumingly- to give him everything of herself, damn that 'bitch', damn Him, sitting over there in his nice little desk with his nice little things and nice little life, damn them all to hell. She didn't even understand why he had stayed there. She had never seen him sit at his desk for longer than an hour and even that was difficult. He'd have to be tapping or humming or swinging on his chair in that adorable boyish way he had. God damnnit- she was meant to be NOT thinking about him.  
  
She kept her eyes trained on the computer screen, staring at the title so much that she was surprised it didn't burst into flames. However she could not help it, she saw as he asked Weiss to get him a coffee; as he spilt crumbs all over his shirt; as he cursed under his breath as one of the junior agents came over and started questioning him; as SHE came over and pratically sat on him, kissing him full on in the middle of the office- she could have gagged it was so vile and sickening. She saw as he sat there writing his reports, telling Lauren that he would see her later, he really had to get this done. She almost, almost, entertained the idea that it was because he just wanted to get rid of his wife, so he could get a clear view of her. Almost – but not even close.  
  
She couldn't stand this, sitting here, so physically close and yet so emotionally far away. A chasm, a dark void-filled with nothing but pain- between them, engulfing them. She felt close to tears as she thought about this, of how time had changed things to drastically. How could he have given up so easily, how could he have forgotten their love, how could he not have felt at least a little bit torn and sorry for moving on. Her anger at the world, at him, was the only thing from stopping her losing it completely in the middle of the office, and collapsing down onto the floor as sobs overshook her.  
  
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She didn't care what Dixon said, she'd come in early tommorow and finish. Time spent in front of the computer, with his so close had finally caught up with her as a misty film started to cover her eyes. Saving the work she'd actually managed to do, she shut down the computer. Taking a few seconds to take a deep breath and contain her emotions, she quickly wrote an apology to Dixon, and a not to Weiss saying that she would be out tonight (even though she knew she'd be at home with a glass of warm milk, curled up on the couch crying) so not to come over. Finally, she decided to allow herself one proper glance at him. A last look to savour, even though it would probably haunt her later. Slowly sitting back she lifted her eyes towards where she knew he would be sitting- where her heart and soul lay. Her mind screamed at her to not do it, it would only cause her further pain, yet her heart whispered in that traitorous way she knew so well that she might as well take the chance while she could.  
  
That was how she found herself now staring into those dark green soulful orbs, unable to look away as he too looked deep into her soul. They had always been able to read each other with just a look, but now she realised the true extent of their link. Pain, sorrow, regret, love, hurt, need, lust, confusion, helplessness. All these emotions and a thousand more were patently evident in those gorgeous eyes, and she was amazed that no-one else could see them. Suddenly though, like a lighting bolt cutting across the sky when no storm is evident, it was gone. He had glanced away, pulled away from her, and she had lost everything. Doubting that it had ever happened. He has a wife, he's in love with her, he doesn't love me. She scraped her chair away from her desk and jumping up almost ran out of the office, tearing her eyes away from him, and cursing her weakness. Cursing her lack of concentration, cursing herself for staying alive. It wasn't the worlds fault. It was hers. She should be dead, lying in the graveyard where he would occasionally come and describe how much he missed her but how he was getting on with life, despite still being madly in love with her. Why did she have to be alive? Why her? Damn it all to hell.  
  
The End  
  
A/N: There may be a sequel to this story if I get some good reviews (wink) and you like it. From Vaughn's perspective this time though. What d'you think? Good, bad, terrible? Review it and let me know. Au revoir, Tasha 


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